It seems like everyone’s going on and on about how you are personally responsible for global warming, you and your selfish ways. If you would only make some simple little changes, your grandchildren—and their milk sucking offspring—could end up hanging around for another 20,000 years. Let’s squelch this fantasy guilt trip now, with a reality check on what you’re being told and with a few ideas of our own.
Set your thermostat a few degrees lower in the winter and a few degrees higher in the summer to save on heating and cooling costs.
See there monkeyman, if you dressed warmer in the winter and lighter in the summer, the energy company could raise your per kilowatt rate, without having to deliver any more energy.
We suggest instead that you shed your clothes in the summer and turn your air conditioner completely off. If you’re worried how guests will react to your naked body—and having seen you we understand—just keep vomit buckets within reach.
Install compact fluorescent light bulbs (CFLs) when your older incandescent bulbs burn out.
These lights have been hyped to the public and sold at discount prices so that it will seem as if your 30-watt savings at home will offset the global warming effects of the airlines, multi-story office buildings, the family wagon and factory farming. Again, environmental disaster—your fault.
These corkscrews are great if you love to read under the ambiance of weak, parking garage light. Most people find that just a few of these installed in fixtures they don’t use too often is good enough—to feel involved. Then, with normal lights in the rest of the house, they’re still able to keep their eyesight for a few more years.
Unplug appliances when you’re not using them.
If this sounds inconvenient, it is. But since someone who won’t travel four blocks without getting in a car isn’t likely to do powercord knee bends just to watch CSI: Fargo; nobody takes this one seriously either.
Using a drying rack or clothesline saves the energy otherwise used by machine drying.
Perhaps you’ll also consider beating your jeans against river rocks to save the energy it would take to wash them in a machine.
And now for reality:
It’s been forty years since energy companies began telling you humans how to reduce consumption at home, and to a great degree, you’ve done it with appliances that are more efficient, lower wattage use and better insulation, etc. Although the amount of kilowatt energy delivered to homes has gone down, the amount of money you send to energy companies has increased—along with their profits.
Maybe the energy companies really do want you to save money, and the cigarette companies want to help you quit smoking, and the politicians want you to be informed on the issues, and the food companies want you to eat healthier, and the oil companies want to protect the environment, and the customer service recording appreciates your business, and elves—who don’t need health insurance, or food for their family, or decent housing, or even security in old age—happily work long hours making toys for Santa. Maybe.
