With your species’ split personality, it’s not hard to imagine why humans are the engineers of their own destruction. Here’s an insect’s view of upright mammal logic in action:

• Air conditioning cools you, by just a few degrees, yet it’s effect on global warming, will bring you to your knees.
• A group of forty-seven hundred smokers, is like one car burning a gallon of gas. The car might kill you faster but you’ll tell smokers to kiss your ass.
• You’ll recycle and process empty bottles, using energy to save energy somehow. But you’ll toss scraps of food in a landfill, making biogas instead of earthworm chow.
• Some of you detest the hunter, for animal cruelty, you claim. But factory farming is worse, treating man, beast and planet, all the same.
• Some of you believe in, and even worship God. But wasting his creation, doesn’t seem to you that odd.
• Creating carbon credits, you treat pollution like a bank. Just looking at your banking, we’re sure you soon will tank.

A simple cleaning of the laser lens, could correct around 70 percent of DVD player failures—but what’s the point?

When a DVD player says something like, “no disc, wrong disc, unable to read, etc.” it often means that the lens is dirty. (Even in nastily clean houses this occurs.) Commercial lens cleaners don’t work well at this point. Although, they may help postpone the need for real cleaning if used regularly—and before the problem is evident.

But really, who wants to waste a Q-tip and 10 minutes when replacing a DVD player can cost as little as $30? First, there’s the hassle of leaving the unit unplugged overnight to let any stored power drain. Next, you need to find a screwdriver to slide the cover off because DVD manufacturers don’t make it easy to access the lens for cleaning (or even tell you it’s doable). Then, if you’re an idiot and try to do this with the unit still plugged in, you could die from shock or damage your eyes from contact with the light from the laser.

It sounds easy to: Unplug, wait, open, dip a swab into alcohol, wipe the lens, put the screws back in and plug the power back in—easy to an engineer perhaps. Most of you humans can’t figure out how to floss your teeth—how are you going to work a Q-tip or a screwdriver?

Make it easy on yourselves people. When you get the message that tells you your player can’t read the DVD, buy a new player.

An alarming environmentalist concept may actually impact the speed of global warming—luring the average American male into the web of green conspiracy. That concept is the encouragement of beer drinkers to switch from canned and bottled beer to kegs of draft beer at home. While the thought of reducing the cost of a twelve ounce beer to as little as fifty cents, may be part of the appeal, the superior taste associated with draft beer could seal the deal for the environmentalists. Roaches are all for the masculine pursuits of human males when it comes to car races or chugging a few cans during the three hours of a one hour football game. But, we feel the need to discourage the idea of beer drinking without our due benefit of conventional waste from the bottles and cans that are so important to building landfills. Do you really want the last rituals and rights of manhood disappearing because of a green alternative with “up front” benefits? We, certainly don’t!

Admittedly, saving twenty-five cents a beer would add up to $200-500 a year in savings for a lot of guys who regularly enjoy the taste of carbonated barley products. For some of the larger-bellied, the savings could be enormous. But what about the more petite consumer? Will he be able to finish the 165 glasses of beer loaded inside a full keg—before it begins to lose some of its flavor after four months? That would mean drinking about nine 12-ounce beers a week —or 7 pints! Oh sure, they sell smaller kegs that would only require drinking 2 to 4 glasses of beer a week but how many men can consistently drink that much beer—week after week?

Keg beer does not offer the convenience or pleasures of bottled and canned beer: You need either a glass to pour into or a long hose attachment to sip directly from the beer tap. The ability for some to impress friends would be lost, because crushing a keg on your forehead would just hurt. Try to open a keg with your teeth and you will find that you will never be able to eat a chicken wing again. For the anti-social among you, only a serious cache of weapons and the testicles to use them, could ever hope protect you from the onslaught of friends dropping by to watch the game on your TV and have a few brews from your keg.

Forget the fact that you could have a beer tap in your home for about $75, if you have an old refrigerator to convert, or $350 if you want refrigerator, taps and all as one package. (We think you’d be hard pressed to find a used home unit for sale unless you regularly scan the obituaries.) Forget the pleasures of 50 cent beer and reduced halftime runs to the store. Forget that your wife can’t keep count on what you drink because there are no empties and the remaining beer is hidden inside a keg. Forget everything good you’ve heard about having draft beer served cold from a keg in your home. It’s far too late for you to start thinking about the environment now. Plus it’s downright selfish to begin to do so just for your own personal pleasure.

The nations that produce your oil, such as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Neo-Soviet Russia deserve more from you than just your money. These oil-producing nations, as moral and political enemies of the United States, help feed anti-American sentiment within their borders and around the globe. Terrorism and iron-fist rule is by no means cheap to maintain and wouldn’t be possible without a healthy dose of over consumption from US citizens. So, the next time you take time to donate to their cause with a hearty refill of gas, also take time to appreciate the efforts of these nations who provide that gas.

But, more than supporting terror or the Reunification of the Soviet Union, your dollars support the American military machine. America needs a strong military to protect itself from the nations it supports financially through its oil consumption. This means that every gallon of gas you buy is an indirect vote of support for the US military and military families. Without your diligent use of gas, many fewer soldiers would have a job to do.

Before you decide to carpool, or trade in your gas-guzzler for a hybrid, or save a half-gallon of gas by riding your bike to the movies; take a moment to appreciate how much these seemingly small “green” alternatives can cost in human profit. Don’t just look at the world as a place you want your grandkids to inherit, realize that anti-American nations have grandkids too.

According to an article on the enemy site GreenUpgrader, a public bike rental system is now in use, just to the north of real America (the one with a President). Apparently in Canada it’s as simple as: grab a bike, ride it where you want and leave it where you are—without maintenance worries, bike theft or pulley-suspension systems to hang a bike in your living room. It all sounds grand for a nation of people raised on free heart surgery, a stable economy and moose hunting. But, what about the country that sits below, the one that works for a living?

These bikes carry only one person at a time; a modern SUV can hold six to eight extra-wide people. Although one seldom actually sees more than one or maybe two people in a traveling SUV, the vehicles are more practical should a driver ever come upon a group of humans needing rapid evacuation from a burning shopping mall. With a bicycle, it’s every man, woman or child for themselves.

When not in use, these shared bikes are stored in racks occupying sidewalks. Where does that leave people who need to walk from their car to their destination? In contrast, parking cars in an orderly fashion, at the otherwise unusable curbs on the edges of the street, keeps the sidewalks clear—not blocking the free and open spaces that belong to the public.

According to the article at GreenUpgrader.com, the electronics used to handle billing and other wireless communications are solar-powered. But, your own human scientists have predicted that the sun has a limited lifespan and will last not much longer than Earth’s fossil fuels (relative to the lifespan of the universe). If you know it’s going to run out, why even start using it?

This deeply concerning concept of a shared transit resource is nothing less than another form of Canadian ecommunism. Big cities in real America dare not allow this idea to spread onto their own streets. Keep in mind that this is a social concept born of French-speaking people. People who have already overtaken the only livable section in the otherwise English-speaking nation of Canada—n’est-ce pas?