If you’ve not heard the popular greenies expression, “reduce..reuse..recycle,” you’ll need to ponder it for a while to grasp fully what “reduce” actually means. Someone you don’t know is trying to tell you to use less—of everything.

You’re told to reduce your driving. But really, how often, since the nineteen twenties ended, do modern people go on pointless motoring trips? These aren’t novelty machines that dad tinkers with in the shed and the family piles into on Sunday for an “outing.” For the majority of you ape-people the point of driving a car is to get somewhere you want or need to be—hard to reduce anything there. Perhaps you should consider asking the paramedics to park their ambulance—just carry you to the hospital the next time your left arm goes numb.

Reduce your purchases. Ah, that seems to make sense. Instead of carelessly throwing your money around to buy computers, television sets or video games—spend your free time sitting in an empty room glaring at the other bored members of your family. For their next birthday, instead of jewelry or electronic gadgets, give your spouse a tree planted in their name. Explain to your dinner guests that a cup of boiled beans has the same protein content as a grilled rib eye steak with pepper and herb butter sauce. Tell your children they can’t have clothes to wear because the grown-ups are trying to save the planet—perhaps even bring it back to where you were all swinging through the branches and grazing off each other’s fleas.

No, the answer is not to start walking six or seven blocks to the store. You don’t need to stop buying pasta machines or bread makers to store at the back of your cabinets. You humans are a highly evolved and complicated species that require the exchange of your constant labor for meaningless objects. What would the point of your existence be without ankle bracelets, bobble-head dolls or cleverly engineered “food” providing zero calories of energy? If you’re concerned that your excesses will wipe the species out a few hundred-thousand years ahead of schedule, consider the words of the aptly named Beatles—”Let It Be.”

Have any worthless yet guilty pleasure products you can’t give up? If so, comment.

Pitch it in a bay.

If you live close to a bay (or any water) use it for your personal water bottle “recycling” program.

Stow it in a dumpster.

Dumpsters feed landfills and landfills feed global warming. A dumpster is a perfect place for your empties.

(more…)

Human, you are too busy to be slicing up cheese for a cracker or whipping up cow fat for your strawberry pie. You won’t even consider blending flour, milk and eggs by hand! Luckily, there are products made just for you. And, they are just the sort of empty calorie, fatty products you crave and deserve.

Whether it’s a full 14 tablespoons of canned cheesy stuff, almost a half-pint of almost whipping cream, or eight five-inch pancakes for breakfast—nobody deserves foodstuff from a can more than you people do.

Imagine; 1 cup of milk and 1 cup of flour is now available in a big metal tube; a full 7 ounces of near-cream is packaged inside a can twice as big as the contents; a can of processed cheese product can be had for only $4 and it has almost as much “cheese” as 3 slices of the wrapped orange ones you people eat.

Make it, truck it, warehouse it, refrigerate it and then consume it. These products are made for real people—you won’t see spray can tofu in America. (We understand it’s a fairly popular product in Japan though.)

What amazingly wasteful products do you know?

What do you think it is that makes them special?

It’s true; the California Department of Motor Vehicles says it’s legal for a car to use a bike lane as a parking space. It says so right in the handbook the DMV publishes for drivers to use to study up for the written driving exam. Here’s what it says:

Did you catch that middle part? You may park in a bike lane unless a "No Parking" sign is posted. Here you’ve been coddling those clean-air communists when you could have been on time to a movie for a change. You could’ve been fifteen feet from the popcorn instead of hunting the streets for an open spot to hang your bogus DISABLED placard.

Now you know why "Motor" is in the name "Department of Motor Vehicles", and monkeyman you know who’s important to them.

It just gets better and better to be part of the brown revolution. Think of how this opens up your world. No place to park that Hummer while you run into Starbucks? How about that nearly empty space those kids are riding in to get to school? Need some quick cash but you haven’t the energy to walk the block to your ATM? There’s now a whole new strip of free parking for you!

Oops, it turns out that written California law says something different. In fact, unless you save lives or cart garbage you might actually get a ticket for parking in a bike lane. (In theory at least.) It’s a matter of whom to believe, the person who wrote the DMV book or the actual state law. Seems like a toss up to us poor stupid cockroaches. If you’re willing to risk a ticket you can increase your convenience while speeding global destruction.

Perhaps it’s a typo from a cash-strapped state department but we prefer to think of it as a gift from the agency tired of being hated. If you don’t want to risk it, read on to see what the real law says:

(more…)

OAF Energy Expert Frank Bagman

We asked Frank Bagman, chief analyst for the oil industry’s OCEANS AND FORESTRY oil reclamation program, some tough questions about oil and the economy. Can the country reduce its financial support of oil producing nations without tearing up the country’s coastline or stripping the national forests and conservations? Could Americans be happy driving cars that consumed 20% less gas and so reduce oil consumption by 20%? Should the humans do things like walk to the store, ride a bike to their gym or take a bus to work? Would it be possible for such a special species as humans to use even 5% less energy and still maintain their lifestyle and fabulous waistlines?

As it turns out, the answer from at least this one energy expert is—no. The only possible solution is to find more oil to burn.