From the chokingplanet.com Dictionary of Green/Brown Dichotomy:

A conservationist is one who strives to keep the Earth as unchanged as possible despite any destructive nature in mankind.

A conservative is one who strives to keep mankind as unchanged as possible despite any unnatural destruction to the Earth.

A surprising report in The New York Times reveals how oil companies have stealthily become new leaders in the environmental movement. They (oil companies) have adapted a progressively liberal policy of increasing fuel costs at an alarmingly steady rate, with the probable goal being to curb fuel consumption across North America. According to the Times report, their efforts are working.

The oil companies are charging a lot of money for gas so that Americans will reduce their gas usage. (Note: This will not adversely impact final dollars spent on gas at the pumps, only the amount of gas that the money will purchase.)

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Choking Planet knows that humans need clothes (trust us—we’ve seen you naked) and there’s no easier way for you to treat the earth to a little bio-destruction than by paying attention to a few small details on apparel. The rightful future of Earth may depend on how many of these six steps you form into habit:

• Save your money, buy cheap!
• Don’t limit your fabric options.
• Ignore vagaries like “quality.”
• Make maintenance a shopping opportunity.
• Make clothes sparkle.
• Wash smaller loads more often.

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A New York Times report, citing a Cambridge Energy Research Associates report, states that a decline in driving in the year 2008 is to be the first decline since the 1970s (ed. Caused at that time possibly by the mid-1970s introduction of the AMC Pacer and Gremlin to the highways). The article further states that sales of pickup trucks, minivans and SUVs have fallen to less than half of new passenger vehicles sales.

For roaches, the idea that there are any people still buying these fuel burners offers some hope to the pro-roach/anti-green camp. In fact, it probably pays now more than ever to switch from green to brown. Great purchase deals are available on most of the biggest gas guzzlers. It would pay to purchase a street tank at a bargain now and simply keep it in the garage until gas prices drop back down below $2.

Not being drivers ourselves, we find it hard to understand how such a truly minor increase in the terms of your “money” could actually impact driving habits at all. Strange that the idea of wiping out your species and a number of others has never had much impact. But, you will actively reduce consumption to save on what has become the industrialized world’s fastest shrinking currency anyway.

As we have repeatedly stated, your existence on this planet is already doomed and you would be wise to enjoy life instead of allowing yourself to be duped by the oil companies and their attempts to “save the planet.” Teach them a lesson by increasing instead of decreasing your fuel consumption. Let big oil know that you won’t be pushed into radical liberal conceptual politics. If you give in and reduce your driving because of a few minor extra dollars at the pump, it will confirm to the oil companies and their Wall Street buddies that they might win their newly launched battle to save the environment through obscene financial gains. Fight back, drive more.

Greenwash products address carbon footprint guilt, giving all the benefits of a green self-image without hampering your “in the pink pleasures.”

Similar to the notion of a self-dissolving condom, you get the peace of mind when you first decide to use it but after it desolves your real sense of pleasure isn’t dulled or hampered.

Unlike unprotected sex, with greenwash products any nasty side effects happen only after you die. It’s like your grandkids children get the disease instead of you. In a sense, greenwash products are better than risky sex, at least in personal consequences.

Savvy companies know that many humans want to do something to maintain a little piece of the planet for possible future generations. Smart companies have figured out that this desire can be dealt with verbally rather than actually. Greenwashing is the ability and practice of turning environmentally destructive products into green products with little to nothing more than a word processor and a missing or errant shame gene on the part of the manufacturer.

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