It’s true; the California Department of Motor Vehicles says it’s legal for a car to use a bike lane as a parking space. It says so right in the handbook the DMV publishes for drivers to use to study up for the written driving exam. Here’s what it says:

Did you catch that middle part? You may park in a bike lane unless a "No Parking" sign is posted. Here you’ve been coddling those clean-air communists when you could have been on time to a movie for a change. You could’ve been fifteen feet from the popcorn instead of hunting the streets for an open spot to hang your bogus DISABLED placard.

Now you know why "Motor" is in the name "Department of Motor Vehicles", and monkeyman you know who’s important to them.

It just gets better and better to be part of the brown revolution. Think of how this opens up your world. No place to park that Hummer while you run into Starbucks? How about that nearly empty space those kids are riding in to get to school? Need some quick cash but you haven’t the energy to walk the block to your ATM? There’s now a whole new strip of free parking for you!

Oops, it turns out that written California law says something different. In fact, unless you save lives or cart garbage you might actually get a ticket for parking in a bike lane. (In theory at least.) It’s a matter of whom to believe, the person who wrote the DMV book or the actual state law. Seems like a toss up to us poor stupid cockroaches. If you’re willing to risk a ticket you can increase your convenience while speeding global destruction.

Perhaps it’s a typo from a cash-strapped state department but we prefer to think of it as a gift from the agency tired of being hated. If you don’t want to risk it, read on to see what the real law says:

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(Washington, D.C. - July 11, 2008) Today EPA released an Advance Notice of Proposed Rulemaking (ANPR) soliciting public input on the effects of climate change and the potential ramifications of the Clean Air Act in relation to greenhouse gas emissions.

The EPA document referenced above is the sort of thing that makes us proud to have known you humans. After you’ve had a chance to read this 588 page document your Environmental Protection Agency has published and after you’ve done your research and responded to the EPA with your opinion, perhaps you’d like to numb yourselves with a few minutes of huffing a serving or two of spray paint in a bag.

The point seemingly argued by your various government agencies that contributed to this fascinating read goes something like, “America is helpless to regulate its greenhouse emissions because in the face of competition from manufacturing in other countries, US companies may relocate their operations to protect their profits.” The thinking continues, “if companies move their operations out of the USA, the government will not be able to control them with these stricter regulations.” Conclusion: “Ignoring the issue is the best procedure to control polluting companies and handle global warming issues caused by greenhouse emissions.”

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Greenwash products address carbon footprint guilt, giving all the benefits of a green self-image without hampering your “in the pink pleasures.”

Similar to the notion of a self-dissolving condom, you get the peace of mind when you first decide to use it but after it desolves your real sense of pleasure isn’t dulled or hampered.

Unlike unprotected sex, with greenwash products any nasty side effects happen only after you die. It’s like your grandkids children get the disease instead of you. In a sense, greenwash products are better than risky sex, at least in personal consequences.

Savvy companies know that many humans want to do something to maintain a little piece of the planet for possible future generations. Smart companies have figured out that this desire can be dealt with verbally rather than actually. Greenwashing is the ability and practice of turning environmentally destructive products into green products with little to nothing more than a word processor and a missing or errant shame gene on the part of the manufacturer.

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