Archive for the ‘The Editor's Message’ Category

Wait ’till there’s news

October 30th, 2008 by Editor

If humans can do anything now to stop global warming, wouldn’t the press be pressing you to get it done? Of course, they would.

When the reckless war in Iraq began, wasn’t it the press who let you know it was a mistake just two or three years later? When banks were loaning your money on obscenely over-inflated home values, didn’t the fourth estate investigate and tell you about it as soon as world markets began their collapse? Where would your finances be if the world news didn’t keep you believing in the security of the securities racket?

Rest assured that as soon as the planet sinks into permanent ecological disaster, the news coverage—rich, full and retroactively informative— will be there. Until then, why tax those highly evolved brains by thinking for yourself? You’ve never had to before.

Each Gallon Means Something

September 9th, 2008 by Editor

The Editor of Choking Planet

The nations that produce your oil, such as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Neo-Soviet Russia deserve more from you than just your money. These oil-producing nations, as moral and political enemies of the United States, help feed anti-American sentiment within their borders and around the globe. Terrorism and iron-fist rule is by no means cheap to maintain and wouldn’t be possible without a healthy dose of over consumption from US citizens. So, the next time you take time to donate to their cause with a hearty refill of gas, also take time to appreciate the efforts of these nations who provide that gas.

Foreign Oil Worker

But, more than supporting terror or the Reunification of the Soviet Union, your dollars support the American military machine. America needs a strong military to protect itself from the nations it supports financially through its oil consumption. This means that every gallon of gas you buy is an indirect vote of support for the US military and military families. Without your diligent use of gas, many fewer soldiers would have a job to do.

Before you decide to carpool, or trade in your gas-guzzler for a hybrid, or save a half-gallon of gas by riding your bike to the movies; take a moment to appreciate how much these seemingly small “green” alternatives can cost in human profit. Don’t just look at the world as a place you want your grandkids to inherit, realize that anti-American nations have grandkids too.

In Case of Global Warming—Head for the Beach!

July 9th, 2008 by Editor

Photo of the Editor of Choking Planet

NOAA, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, states half of U.S. coral reefs are in “poor” or “fair” condition. This decline, they say, is manmade and is another result (we say benefit) of global warming.

Bad news for a number of those scaly creatures that live, swim and breed around the reef but great news for beach-goers. Global warming extends the beach season and will even turn places like Seattle or the coasts of Greenland into warm thriving beach communities, for a short while at least.

So, grab your sunblock, a fluffy towel and a good romance novel—a very long summer is on the way and you people don’t really have many of them left.

Editor-in-Chief, Choking Planet
Behind the Cabinet with the Muffin Pans
Brick and Concrete Building
Ninety-Seven Blocks from the Landfill
San Francisco, California (f. Yerba Buena)

Good News for the Environment as Humans Say “Goodbye”

June 22nd, 2008 by Editor

Photo of the Editor of Choking Planet

Dear Human,

We may miss you when you’re through on this planet but you can no doubt imagine our excitement over the prospect of finally getting our tarsi on the controls for a change. Following the times of the terrible lizards, your species “rule” cannot be always called good but it may be considered consistent. (Sewers were certainly brilliant and much appreciated.)

Alas, all things good and bad must come to an end. The purpose behind putting this humble little site on your world wide web is to help you along toward your predestined exit—in a timely manner. Don’t for a minute think that we believe you need help, that you can’t kill your species off all by yourselves. We’re confident that the planet will eventually become human-free with nothing more than your own considerable technological advancements.

Editor-in-Chief, Choking Planet
Behind the Cabinet with the Muffin Pans
Brick and Concrete Building
Ninety-Seven Blocks from the Landfill
San Francisco, California (f. Yerba Buena)

Can’t Save the Planet. So Human—Your Time is Up

June 14th, 2008 by Editor

Photo of the Editor of Choking Planet

Dear Human,

We cockroaches just want to keep you humans up to date and aware of environmental options you’ve created to speed you on your way (and warn you off the sort of things that might prolong your visit).

We (speaking for all/most arthropods) haven’t figured out why you are killing off your species (indeed many vertebrates) but we assume with brains as massive and advanced as yours, you likely have a reason. [Ed.: I hope that last bit doesn't read as obvious pandering or gratuitous flattery.]

So, if you are all quite tired of life on Earth, please use this contribution of ours to help in any way it can. Or, ignore it and just keep doing what you’ve been doing—either one offers an equal path to success!

Editor-in-Chief, Choking Planet
Behind the Cabinet with the Muffin Pans
Brick and Concrete Building
Ninety-Seven Blocks from the Landfill
San Francisco, California (f. Yerba Buena)

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