It’s true; the California Department of Motor Vehicles says it’s legal for a car to use a bike lane as a parking space. It says so right in the handbook the DMV publishes for drivers to use to study up for the written driving exam. Here’s what it says:

Did you catch that middle part? You may park in a bike lane unless a "No Parking" sign is posted. Here you’ve been coddling those clean-air communists when you could have been on time to a movie for a change. You could’ve been fifteen feet from the popcorn instead of hunting the streets for an open spot to hang your bogus DISABLED placard.

Now you know why "Motor" is in the name "Department of Motor Vehicles", and monkeyman you know who’s important to them.

It just gets better and better to be part of the brown revolution. Think of how this opens up your world. No place to park that Hummer while you run into Starbucks? How about that nearly empty space those kids are riding in to get to school? Need some quick cash but you haven’t the energy to walk the block to your ATM? There’s now a whole new strip of free parking for you!

Oops, it turns out that written California law says something different. In fact, unless you save lives or cart garbage you might actually get a ticket for parking in a bike lane. (In theory at least.) It’s a matter of whom to believe, the person who wrote the DMV book or the actual state law. Seems like a toss up to us poor stupid cockroaches. If you’re willing to risk a ticket you can increase your convenience while speeding global destruction.

Perhaps it’s a typo from a cash-strapped state department but we prefer to think of it as a gift from the agency tired of being hated. If you don’t want to risk it, read on to see what the real law says:

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According to the EPA U.S. Cattle account for 20% of the U.S. methane emissions. This is because there are about 100 million of the stupid beasts living in the U.S. — rent and board free! This means a cow for every three of you saps in the country.

“Scientists”—the guys who think you came from monkeys—claim that methane gas is speeding up global warning. Clearly then, isn’t the problem that you people aren’t eating enough cows?

Obviously, the tofu crowds aren’t doing their share but nobody expects them to. No, the problem is the average guy; the man who washes his car on the weekend, cheers his favorite team and drives a pick-up truck. You sir, are the man responsible for the glut of cows that currently take up livable space and belch their poison into the air.

No excuses, big boy. Drop kick that head of lettuce, get your coals going and start searing some meat. You’ve got a lot of cows to get through and as you know; your time to get anything done is running out.

Contrary to the practice in many states, cars deserve the right of way over feet. When forced to wait for lumbering bipeds to cross curb to curb, cars waste time and fuel. And obviously, the person on foot or bike isn’t in a hurry to be somewhere, or they’d be driving a car.

Forcing cars to stop for red lights, stop signs and emergency vehicles unnecessarily wastes fuel. How many wasted gallons of fuel each year? More than if they could just keep going—that’s for sure. Get rid of these nuisance devices; let every driver decide on his own experience as to when it’s appropriate to stop. In no time, speedier travels and Darwinian eradication will put an end to the problem of road congestion.

It seems like everyone’s going on and on about how you are personally responsible for global warming, you and your selfish ways. If you would only make some simple little changes, your grandchildren—and their milk sucking offspring—could end up hanging around for another 20,000 years. Let’s squelch this fantasy guilt trip now, with a reality check on what you’re being told and with a few ideas of our own.

Set your thermostat a few degrees lower in the winter and a few degrees higher in the summer to save on heating and cooling costs.

See there monkeyman, if you dressed warmer in the winter and lighter in the summer, the energy company could raise your per kilowatt rate, without having to deliver any more energy.

We suggest instead that you shed your clothes in the summer and turn your air conditioner completely off. If you’re worried how guests will react to your naked body—and having seen you we understand—just keep vomit buckets within reach.

Install compact fluorescent light bulbs (CFLs) when your older incandescent bulbs burn out.

These lights have been hyped to the public and sold at discount prices so that it will seem as if your 30-watt savings at home will offset the global warming effects of the airlines, multi-story office buildings, the family wagon and factory farming. Again, environmental disaster—your fault.

These corkscrews are great if you love to read under the ambiance of weak, parking garage light. Most people find that just a few of these installed in fixtures they don’t use too often is good enough—to feel involved. Then, with normal lights in the rest of the house, they’re still able to keep their eyesight for a few more years.

Unplug appliances when you’re not using them.

If this sounds inconvenient, it is. But since someone who won’t travel four blocks without getting in a car isn’t likely to do powercord knee bends just to watch CSI: Fargo; nobody takes this one seriously either.

Using a drying rack or clothesline saves the energy otherwise used by machine drying.

Perhaps you’ll also consider beating your jeans against river rocks to save the energy it would take to wash them in a machine.

And now for reality:

It’s been forty years since energy companies began telling you humans how to reduce consumption at home, and to a great degree, you’ve done it with appliances that are more efficient, lower wattage use and better insulation, etc. Although the amount of kilowatt energy delivered to homes has gone down, the amount of money you send to energy companies has increased—along with their profits.

Maybe the energy companies really do want you to save money, and the cigarette companies want to help you quit smoking, and the politicians want you to be informed on the issues, and the food companies want you to eat healthier, and the oil companies want to protect the environment, and the customer service recording appreciates your business, and elves—who don’t need health insurance, or food for their family, or decent housing, or even security in old age—happily work long hours making toys for Santa. Maybe.

This year’s Red List of Threatened Species finds that of 5,487 mammals on Earth, at least 1,141 are currently on the path to permanent disappearance—or heaven, if you prefer. It’s a start of course, but humans can do more to get them out of the way. Don’t panic: You’re species is not on the list, although some of your simian cousins are certainly going away—even the big almost-as-smart-as-you ones. Sure, historically your kind followed the fate of fellow mammals—big brains, protecting your young, regulating your blood temperature, etc.; that doesn’t mean that you will absolutely follow the other mammals into extinction—it‘s just likely.

Look at this news as your chance to secure human destiny as the last surviving mammals—the majestic end to the evolutionary process—before the other mammals have a chance to please your God and challenge your divine dominance. Do you want your descendants taking orders from the evolved offspring of whales or dolphins? Besides, it’s only a theory that your currently amazing human life will be devastatingly affected by the departure of orangutans—they‘re monkeys for goodness sake. It may seem tempting for humans to protect and save all the genetic losers of the world with billion dollar bailouts to moneylenders, mammals and other creatures of the planet; but it’s supposed to be survival of the fittest and if a dolphin can’t swim out of a fish net, maybe it needs to sink.

If you’ve not heard the popular greenies expression, “reduce..reuse..recycle,” you’ll need to ponder it for a while to grasp fully what “reduce” actually means. Someone you don’t know is trying to tell you to use less—of everything.

You’re told to reduce your driving. But really, how often, since the nineteen twenties ended, do modern people go on pointless motoring trips? These aren’t novelty machines that dad tinkers with in the shed and the family piles into on Sunday for an “outing.” For the majority of you ape-people the point of driving a car is to get somewhere you want or need to be—hard to reduce anything there. Perhaps you should consider asking the paramedics to park their ambulance—just carry you to the hospital the next time your left arm goes numb.

Reduce your purchases. Ah, that seems to make sense. Instead of carelessly throwing your money around to buy computers, television sets or video games—spend your free time sitting in an empty room glaring at the other bored members of your family. For their next birthday, instead of jewelry or electronic gadgets, give your spouse a tree planted in their name. Explain to your dinner guests that a cup of boiled beans has the same protein content as a grilled rib eye steak with pepper and herb butter sauce. Tell your children they can’t have clothes to wear because the grown-ups are trying to save the planet—perhaps even bring it back to where you were all swinging through the branches and grazing off each other’s fleas.

No, the answer is not to start walking six or seven blocks to the store. You don’t need to stop buying pasta machines or bread makers to store at the back of your cabinets. You humans are a highly evolved and complicated species that require the exchange of your constant labor for meaningless objects. What would the point of your existence be without ankle bracelets, bobble-head dolls or cleverly engineered “food” providing zero calories of energy? If you’re concerned that your excesses will wipe the species out a few hundred-thousand years ahead of schedule, consider the words of the aptly named Beatles—”Let It Be.”

Have any worthless yet guilty pleasure products you can’t give up? If so, comment.