Contrary to the practice in many states, cars deserve the right of way over feet. When forced to wait for lumbering bipeds to cross curb to curb, cars waste time and fuel. And obviously, the person on foot or bike isn’t in a hurry to be somewhere, or they’d be driving a car.

Forcing cars to stop for red lights, stop signs and emergency vehicles unnecessarily wastes fuel. How many wasted gallons of fuel each year? More than if they could just keep going—that’s for sure. Get rid of these nuisance devices; let every driver decide on his own experience as to when it’s appropriate to stop. In no time, speedier travels and Darwinian eradication will put an end to the problem of road congestion.

It seems like everyone’s going on and on about how you are personally responsible for global warming, you and your selfish ways. If you would only make some simple little changes, your grandchildren—and their milk sucking offspring—could end up hanging around for another 20,000 years. Let’s squelch this fantasy guilt trip now, with a reality check on what you’re being told and with a few ideas of our own.

Set your thermostat a few degrees lower in the winter and a few degrees higher in the summer to save on heating and cooling costs.

See there monkeyman, if you dressed warmer in the winter and lighter in the summer, the energy company could raise your per kilowatt rate, without having to deliver any more energy.

We suggest instead that you shed your clothes in the summer and turn your air conditioner completely off. If you’re worried how guests will react to your naked body—and having seen you we understand—just keep vomit buckets within reach.

Install compact fluorescent light bulbs (CFLs) when your older incandescent bulbs burn out.

These lights have been hyped to the public and sold at discount prices so that it will seem as if your 30-watt savings at home will offset the global warming effects of the airlines, multi-story office buildings, the family wagon and factory farming. Again, environmental disaster—your fault.

These corkscrews are great if you love to read under the ambiance of weak, parking garage light. Most people find that just a few of these installed in fixtures they don’t use too often is good enough—to feel involved. Then, with normal lights in the rest of the house, they’re still able to keep their eyesight for a few more years.

Unplug appliances when you’re not using them.

If this sounds inconvenient, it is. But since someone who won’t travel four blocks without getting in a car isn’t likely to do powercord knee bends just to watch CSI: Fargo; nobody takes this one seriously either.

Using a drying rack or clothesline saves the energy otherwise used by machine drying.

Perhaps you’ll also consider beating your jeans against river rocks to save the energy it would take to wash them in a machine.

And now for reality:

It’s been forty years since energy companies began telling you humans how to reduce consumption at home, and to a great degree, you’ve done it with appliances that are more efficient, lower wattage use and better insulation, etc. Although the amount of kilowatt energy delivered to homes has gone down, the amount of money you send to energy companies has increased—along with their profits.

Maybe the energy companies really do want you to save money, and the cigarette companies want to help you quit smoking, and the politicians want you to be informed on the issues, and the food companies want you to eat healthier, and the oil companies want to protect the environment, and the customer service recording appreciates your business, and elves—who don’t need health insurance, or food for their family, or decent housing, or even security in old age—happily work long hours making toys for Santa. Maybe.

Their dreadlocks make it too stringy.

If you use canned vegans, there’s always bits of sandal that didn’t get processed out.

Lack of flavor because the meat’s too young and lean.

With fresh vegans, their big bleeding hearts make a mess in the kitchen.

You feel guilty eating them when you think about how they must have been raised.

The supply’s too scarce outside the big cities.

Still, God love ‘em, the vegans mean well. Trying to eliminate the agony caused to mammals raised in horrible conditions and tortured until the sweet release of slaughter day comes. These vegans have accepted the notion that humans are not the only animals that feel pain—and that pain hurts. If they ate some stuff to increase the fatty buildups in their arteries, they’d know first-hand what pain is. Right, Meatboy?

If humans can do anything now to stop global warming, wouldn’t the press be pressing you to get it done? Of course, they would.

When the reckless war in Iraq began, wasn’t it the press who let you know it was a mistake just two or three years later? When banks were loaning your money on obscenely over-inflated home values, didn’t the fourth estate investigate and tell you about it as soon as world markets began their collapse? Where would your finances be if the world news didn’t keep you believing in the security of the securities racket?

Rest assured that as soon as the planet sinks into permanent ecological disaster, the news coverage—rich, full and retroactively informative— will be there. Until then, why tax those highly evolved brains by thinking for yourself? You’ve never had to before.

This year’s Red List of Threatened Species finds that of 5,487 mammals on Earth, at least 1,141 are currently on the path to permanent disappearance—or heaven, if you prefer. It’s a start of course, but humans can do more to get them out of the way. Don’t panic: You’re species is not on the list, although some of your simian cousins are certainly going away—even the big almost-as-smart-as-you ones. Sure, historically your kind followed the fate of fellow mammals—big brains, protecting your young, regulating your blood temperature, etc.; that doesn’t mean that you will absolutely follow the other mammals into extinction—it‘s just likely.

Look at this news as your chance to secure human destiny as the last surviving mammals—the majestic end to the evolutionary process—before the other mammals have a chance to please your God and challenge your divine dominance. Do you want your descendants taking orders from the evolved offspring of whales or dolphins? Besides, it’s only a theory that your currently amazing human life will be devastatingly affected by the departure of orangutans—they‘re monkeys for goodness sake. It may seem tempting for humans to protect and save all the genetic losers of the world with billion dollar bailouts to moneylenders, mammals and other creatures of the planet; but it’s supposed to be survival of the fittest and if a dolphin can’t swim out of a fish net, maybe it needs to sink.